1. You Can Relax
Sure, that’s what you were supposed to be doing while you were on vacation, but instead, you filled every day, for a week straight, with one activity that was more insane than the last. Instead of lying on your couch, watching TV like a normal person does when they’re trying to unwind, you were taking four hour walking tours of foreign cities, swimming with dolphins, or zip-lining for Christ’s sake. You’re home now, you can take it down a notch.
2. You Can Stop Drinking For Ten Minutes
One of the best things about getting out of town, is that you have carte blanche to guzzle as much booze as your liver will allow, however after the fourth or fifth day straight, drinking becomes a chore. It’s no longer something you want to do, but something you have to do, because really, what else are you going to do? Trek up that volcano without a beer in your hand? That’s ridiculous, but at home, it’s perfectly OK to go to the grocery store sober, the gym sober, or even to work sober.
3. Your Friends Are All Interested In You
Or at least they have to pretend to be. You’ve been off doing exciting things and now it’s their turn to pony up and ask you questions about it, cause God knows, that’s what you did when they came back from that wedding in Malta three months ago. This is your time to shine. All of your vacation photos on Facebook are blowing up and you can feel superior to everyone you know for having traveled somewhere, even though they were at home having a better time than you.
For a week now, you’ve been galavanting about the globe, collecting tchotchkes from different countries. That’s fantastic. You want to know what your DVR has been doing? Busting its ass! All so that when you get home, you’ll have access to hours worth of your favorite mind-numbing shows to watch before you actually have to engage in the real world once again. In fact, this is probably the best part of your entire trip. Had I known that there would be an episode of The View where Vanilla Ice was performing waiting for me when I returned from my most recent excursion abroad, I would have come home three days early.
5. You Know What You’re Eating Again
Food is always an adventure on vacation. Half the time you have no idea what you’re eating at all, which is exciting at first, but towards the end of your time away, all you want is something familiar so you can stop trying to make a sandwich out of whatever the hell this stuff is. When you’re back in your apartment, just open up the menu drawer, hit up Grubhub, or check out your local grocery for the kind of comforting crap that really makes you feel like you’re back in America.
6. You Can Leave Your Towels Wherever The Hell You Want And Not Have To Feel Like A Jerk For Destroying The Environment
You speak it. I speak it. We have an understanding. Literally. Because of English, I never have to feel like an idiot after realizing I just spent a week straight asking “What” is the bathroom, instead of “Where” is the bathroom to about a dozen different people. This is because I’ve been speaking English, and I’m fairly confident about the words that are coming out of my mouth.
Are Snapples some kind of top secret, CIA protected, American treasure, that only Jason Bourne can get his hands on in a foreign country? WTF! Why is trying to locate a Snapple outside of the States akin to accessing the holy grail? Get your act together, world. Snapples are the best, it says so right there on the label, and Americans are willing to pay top dollar for them. If we can find them!
9. Your Pets Couldn’t Be Happier To See You
Your pet went nearly seven days without you Instagramming a photo of them, sitting next to you on the couch, watching “You’ve Got Mail”, on a Saturday night. Well thank God that nightmare is over! Now you’re home and it’s business as usual. Avoid feeling like a horrible person for leaving them alone for an entire week by slathering them with an inordinate amount of attention. With any luck they will repay you for this by gouging out one of your eyes.
10. The Gym
Everyone, at some point during their vacation, in an effort to convince themselves that they won’t be a fat-ass for the rest of their lives after all of the food they’ve eaten, says “I can’t wait to get back to the gym!”. You’re home now. Here’s your chance. Go get em’ tiger.
Copyright 2017 Social Zazz