Ranked from least attractive to Rock-a-Doodle.
17. Zak from FernGully
Fox
Adam: There were good raw materials to work with here. He needed a haircut and an outfit change, but he could go from “dork with a mullet” to “surfer heartthrob” pretty easily.Jen: Zak had bad ’90s hair and wore Converse and sucked at his job because he was supposed to be relatable. If FernGully had been made today, Zak would probably wear hip glasses and go by “Zachary” and only wander into that forest for the perfect outdoorsy Instagram selfie. Zak is us. We are Zak.
16. Gaston
Disney
Adam: I don’t know why Belle had to go traipsing through the woods to find a beast when she had a totally suitable beast at home named Gaston. Look at that chest. Picasso could’ve painted Guernica on that chest and still had room left over. Jen: Gaston’s face is the same as Prince Eric’s face, except his chin is a ballsack. What’s not to love?Adam: Oh snap, I didn’t realize his chin is balls. I dig it.
15. Batman
DC/Warner Bros.
Adam: Even as a tot I knew something was up with Batman and Robin and BOY, DID I LIKE IT. A moody rich guy who owns a dungeon? Mmmmm, show me your batcave, Bruce.Jen: Batman is Batman, so of course I had a crush on him, but it always bugged me that he didn’t have eyes. Where are your irises and pupils, Batman? Did they fall out with your tears?
14. Tuxedo Mask
Nippon Animation
Adam: Tuxedo Mask wasn’t visually my type, but I appreciated his slender waist and mysterious vibe. Jen: You know what they say about guys with big hats. (They don’t say anything about guys with big hats.)
13. Aladdin
Disney
Adam: I wasn’t super into Aladdin but I got the appeal. In third grade all my female classmates were fanning themselves over him. I understood it. Shoplifting is pretty sexy.Jen: I wasn’t into Aladdin until I realized his voice was Steve from Full House, and I’m all about Steve from Full House.
12. Max from A Goofy Movie
Disney
Adam: Aww, Max was so crushworthy. He was like the boy next door, except a dog. He was the dog next door.Jen: Max as Max was too cute to make me horny when I was 11, but Max as Powerline? Now we’re talking.
11. Max as Powerline from A Goofy Movie
Disney
Adam: When Max dressed up as Powerline, he got a little bit of swag and that made him hotter. You were like, “Oh, that cute dog next door is growing up. Woof.” Also the Powerline costume was totally spot on, and I appreciate a guy with sewing skills.Jen: I had a brief crush on one of my best friends because he got this haircut. It doesn’t matter if you’re a dog or a human: Powerline haircuts are game changers.
10. Powerline from A Goofy Movie
Disney
Adam: Michael Jackson was too weird for me, and Prince was too shy and elf-like. Thank the heavens for Powerline, the true king of pop. Jen: Now that award show holograms are a thing, the world really needs to give Powerline some Grammys.
9. Moses
Dreamworks
Adam: There’s a “burning bush” joke to be made here, obviously. Moses had cheekbones for days and after forty days in the desert you know he was thirsty for more than just water.Jen: There’s a “parting of the red sea” joke to be made as well. Cartoon Moses had a great body.
8. Dean from The Iron Giant
Dreamworks
Adam: Oh man, Dean. The soul patch was unfortunate, but hot damn I could go to town on Dean. I feel like Dean probably isn’t that well endowed but he makes up for it with skill and raw talent.Jen: I’ve never seen The Iron Giant because I’m a sorry excuse for a human, but that jawline could cut like a knife.
7. Teenage Simba from that split second of “Hakuna Matata” where he’s got a mohawk
Disney
Adam: Simba is shown as a teenager for literally 2 seconds and I have so many questions. His voice went from JTT to Matthew Broderick, and I can’t help but wonder what teen Simba’s voice was like. I bet it was soft and gentle. I want to hear teen Simba tell me he loves me.Jen: Teen Simba would probably be voiced by Steve from Full House, and you know how I feel about Steve from Full House.Adam: Jen, OMG. You’re right. I’m hyperventilating.
6. Trent Lane from Daria
MTV
Adam: If Trent had told me cigarettes were cool I would’ve picked up smoking for him. I would’ve been a Mystik Spiral groupie.Jen: Trent would have been so much better if they hadn’t given him those five little chin hairs. Oh well. I’d still split a 40 and share a dirty old futon with him.
5. (TIE) Leonardo and Michelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Fox
Adam: Boys used to fight about which Ninja Turtle was the coolest, but it was secretly code for which turtle they wanted to bang. It was definitely a toss-up between Leo and Mike. Leo would take care of you financially, but Mike was probably better in bed.Jen: Mike probably had turtle herpes. Turpes? Terpes? Whatever. Leo for life.Adam: Also, don’t turtles have corkscrew penises or something? Doesn’t matter, still hot.
4. Chalky Studebaker from Doug
Nickelodeon
Nickelodeon
Adam: Chalky was the best student at Bluffington and he was so handsome. I could see why Doug was always chasing the D.Jen: I’m going to open a store that only sells Chalky Studebaker varsity jackets so everyone can pretend Chalky Studebaker is their boyfriend.Adam: I want Chalky to show up at my house wearing nothing but his varsity jacket.
3. Chalky Studebaker’s DILF Dad
Nickelodeon
Adam: You know how you’re dating a guy and you eventually meet his dad and you’re like, “This is what you’re gonna grow into? That’s the business.” But then you develop a crush on their dad, and maybe things get a little complicated. Maybe their dad offers you a glass of wine one night and things get weird, and you have to move out of state. Anyway, that’s Chalky Studebaker’s dad.Jen: Someone needs to make a Chalky Studebaker Appreciation Station for Chalky Studebaker’s dad. I would do it, but novelty websites cost money and I’d rather just write it on a piece of paper and slide it over to your desk and laugh for a second and then go back to my life. Chalky Studebaker’s dad puts the “stud” in Studebaker.
2. Prince Eric
Disney
Adam: There are some people who are all, “Prince Eric isn’t my type, he’s so vanilla, blah blah blah.” Those people are liars. Prince Eric was perfect. I want to curl up and die inside his dimples. I want to pluck out his baby blue eyeballs and eat them.Jen: Prince Eric is the best prince. I don’t care if he’s cool with dating mermaids and clearly doesn’t value human genitalia. I’ll still take him.
1. Rock-a-Doodle
Fox
Adam: Oh, Rock-a-Doodle. My fingers tremble as I type. The mere thought of Rock-a-Doodle taking me in his arms and kissing me gently is almost too much to handle. Rock-a-Doodle is the pinnacle of manhood.Jen: My mom had a huge thing for Elvis. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but the apple does occasionally hit its head on the way down, so I had a huge thing for this hunk of an animated rooster. The folks behind Rock-a-Doodle knew exactly what they were doing to us, Adam, and I would like to shake their hands.
HONORABLE MENTION: Roxanne from A Goofy Movie
Disney
Adam: OK, yeah, she’s a girl, but there was just something about her. I know I’m not alone in this. All my straight friends had awkward crushes on her. If I had to date a cartoon dog-girl, it would be Roxanne.Jen: That hair. That strategically placed birthmark. Those jorts. Roxanne was absolutely perfect.
Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/adamellis/cartoon-characters-that-made-you-horny-when-you-were-11
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