Wood! Balls! Murder! I can’t believe I waited this long. 
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2. I was 18 when the first Harry Potter film came out. I thought I was too old, too cool, and decided I’d never watch the films or read the books.
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I was not too cool.
3. “What. An. Idiot.”
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Yep.
4. So, almost 13 years after the first film was released, I finally watched it. I also live-tweeted the whole thing.
Daniel Dalton @wordsbydan Follow
I've never read any of the books or seen the films: Harry Potter and the Philosopher/Sorcerer's Stone, here we go.
5. At 31, I boarded the Hogwarts Express to Pottertown. Here is what I learned.
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I realise that the Hogwarts Express does not actually stop at Pottertown, and that Pottertown may not be an actual place.
6. The film opens with a man in a pointy hat, a woman in a pointy hat, and Giant Robbie Coltrane kidnapping a baby.
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7. Kidnappings always make Giant Robbie Coltrane sad.
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8. “This boy will be famous, there won’t be a child in the world who won’t know his name. So let’s leave him on this doorstep.”
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Baby got an owie.
9. The title card confirms I am watching a film about a boy wizard, and not something about human trafficking.
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Oh and the music is really good!
10. Then we meet Harry Potter. He’s now 11.
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11. He makes faces like this.
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Gulp!
12. And this.
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Acting!
13. He lives with his aunt and his Uncle Richard Griffiths. They are Muggles.
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RIP Richard Griffiths.
14. “Muggles?”
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Muggles are non-wizard folk, apparently.
15. They make Harry live in a cupboard under the stairs.
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Just like living in London!
Daniel Dalton @wordsbydan Follow
There seems to be a fair amount of child abuse going on thus far.
17. Uncle Richard Griffiths hates Harry. But he hates it even more when Harry gets letters. He tries to kill the letters with fire.
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18. Uncle Richard Griffiths loves Sundays because “no post on Sundays!” But the mail owls haven’t organised into a union and therefore work Sundays.
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Owls!
19. To keep Harry from the letters, Uncle Richard Griffiths quite reasonably moves the entire family to a remote lighthouse where no one can find them.
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Letters!
20. Except Giant Robbie Coltrane, who comes to the rescue.
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“Yer a wizzerd, Harry!”
22. “A wizard? I’m…just Harry. Just Harry.”
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No, you’re a wizard. Did you even read the book, bro?
23. Then Giant Robbie Coltrane threatens Uncle Richard Griffiths with an umbrella, and kidnaps Harry again.
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24. Kidnap!
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Why they didn’t just keep him and raise him themselves in relative safety of Hogwarts and the several hundred wizards who reside there, instead condemning him to years of ridicule and abuse at the hands of his relatives, is anyone’s guess.
25. Giant Robbie Coltrane takes Harry to 1800s London to shop for school supplies.
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Diagon Alley. Lol.
27. The War Doctor is there, selling wands.
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28. But he’s dressed as the Third Doctor.
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29. Harry tries a couple of wands until he finds one that is thematically connected to the guy who murdered his parents, obvs.
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It’s easy to guess the right wand as it comes with a built in halo/’80s wind machine.
30. Also it turns out Harry is legit a billionaire.
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31. Giant Robbie Coltrane tells Harry how he got his scar.
Daniel Dalton @wordsbydan Follow
“Voldemort… tried… to… kill… me… ?” – DanRad skipped Hogwarts and went to the Shatner School of Dramatic Arts.
32. Then he jumps through a wall and gets on a train, where he meets his new BFF, Ron.
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33. “I’m Ron. Ron Weasley. I always introduce myself by saying only my first name, followed by both my first and last names. You try it.”
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34. “I’m Harry. Harry Potter. Wow, yeah that’s a really cool way to say your name.”
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35. “Harry Potter?! Weren’t you kidnapped twice?”
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36. “Yes but I’m legit a billionaire now. Here, let me buy your friendship.”
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Harry just handed over several thousand pounds worth of gold for some sweets.
38. Then Emma Watson shows up.
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39. “Emma Watson?”
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Yes but not adult Emma Watson. This Emma Watson does not work for the U.N., and has yet to be face-palmed by JLaw.
40. She fixes Harry’s glasses, and he realises he should have made friends by doing magic instead of spending several thousand pounds on sweets.
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Wizard!
Daniel Dalton @wordsbydan Follow
Hermione: How to fix glasses and influence people.
42. Six hours into the film, we finally arrive at Hogwarts.
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Hogwarts is pretty badass, tbf.
43. Once inside we meet Draco Hair Gel and his band of shade throwers.
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“Do you even know how much hair gel I use, Potter? Loads. I use loads of hair gel.”
44. And we are reminded that Hermione knows everything.
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“I read it in the script.”
45. And also that she really loves to enunciate.
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46. And also that her shade game is strong.
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Sorry.
47. Hans Gruber!
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48. Something about a Sorting Hat. I really needed the bathroom at this point.
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So did Harry.
49. They go to some classes. Like Maggie Smith’s “How to do a delightful Scottish accent” class.
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50. And Alan Rickman’s “Talk without moving your lips 101”.
Warner Bros. Daniel Dalton @wordsbydan Follow
No-one in this film is having more fun than Alan Rickman. “If you possess… the pre…dis…position…” #finallywatchingHP
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