No More Boring Sex. How You Can Be Really Kinky On A Budget

There’s nothing like a good ol’ Valentine’s day to remind single people that they’re lonely, and to remind people in relationships that they’re poor and can’t afford to do all the romantic stuff that they wanted to.

Well, at least there’ll always be the fun of what you can get up to on the special day’s evening… Well, sort of. It’s not like you don’t do that anyway, so what could you do to make it more exciting? BONDAGE! OBVIOUSLY! But hold on, this metal and leather stuff is pricey. You want to be submissive to your partner, not your overdraft. Too bad.

But you can’t just sit around with your other half, willing yourself to have more money so you can afford yourself a sexy treat… no, that’s why you’re going to get yourself down to your closest hardware shop so you can make your own stuff with my guiding, inexperienced hand.

Research was needed. Annoyingly, I fell at the first hurdle…

Eventually I searched the right thing and, once I’d chosen my shop, I found that it was the only site I’d ever seen where the zoom option actually makes the picture smaller…

But anyway, here’s what I found:

(and just a quick word of advice: DON’T DO ANY OF THESE!)

1. Leg Spreader

Tired of trying to do sex when your partners legs keep getting in the way?! Me too! Maybe you should invest in a sexy leg-spreader? Oh 35.99? Thats money that could AND SHOULD be going towards you pension.

What should you do? Make you own version of the curiously popular sex stick using DIY goods from your favourite hardware store

Thats a saving of 27.51 and enough left over materials to make a second, smaller leg spreader perhaps for bondage on the go?

2. Arm Binder

The only thing youll be binding with this sucker (other than your sexual partner) is your holiday plans! As in you wont be able to afford a nice holiday. Basically, theyre overtly expensive for what is essentially arm-trousers. So make your own!

Youre saving 45.25 here. Its a no-brainer. Also, if youre into all that being uncomfortable stuff, sex gets hot enough as it is, let alone with some arm warmers. Theyre sure to feel like a bit of a burden.

3. Chain Whip

Whats a bondage session without some good old-fashioned whipping, eh? Nothin, I tells ya. NOTHIN! But can you really see through the holes in your gimp mask to look me in the eye and say that you have 20 to be throwing around on a whip that youll probably decide is too painful after your first go? No! Of course not.

Thats why you want to save 15.87 with us and spend 4.12 on assembling your own horrible, horrible whip! All you need is a bathplug chain and a doorknob to fasten it to (use to gorilla tape from the leg-separator) and youll be whipping like a Victorian teacher yet! (but sexy)

4. Gimp Mask

As anyone whos into this kind of thing would tell you (I assume its not at all my cup of tea), a gimp mask is every BDSM enthusiasts bread and butter! But 87.99?! You want to hurt your lover, not your wallet!

Fear not! The answer has been staring you in the face all along Bin bags! Theyre black, plastic AND CHEAP. We assume you have your own scissors but, if not, you can get a pair from Homebase for 2.99. Then all you need to do is cut the bin bag to size (a luxury that isnt afforded with the 90 model), cut out some eye and mouth holes, and fasten it with your gorilla tape.

Who knew that you could be the gimp character from Pulp Fiction thatgets punched by Bruce Willis for such a reasonable price?!

5. Suspension Cage (???)

Im not even going to pretend I know what this does but I am going to assume that 105 is probably too much. So if youre into hanging people from the ceiling and then having sex with them (???), heres an idea

So, you know stick the bar in your doorframe, hang the net on it, have someone climb in and then have your wicked way with them. And whilst youre at it, SAVE 68.40!!!! Yeah thats right. Thank me later, player!

So there you have it, a load of sexy bondage tips that YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT ACTUALLY TRY.

SERIOUSLY DON’T DO ANY OF THESE. PLEASE. MY JOB IS ON THE LINE.

Happy valentine’s day!