Disney Movies of Our Betchood: Throwback Thursday

This movie has an all-star supporting cast including a pubescent Justin Timberlake, Sean from Degrassi, and Kathie Lee Gifford. The main characters are two identical non-related girls (because that totally happens IRL), one is a famous model and the other is a sad nice girl with bad clothes. They switch lives and the model is stoked because she can eat carbs now.

This movie created its own set of linguistics, which we can respect even though they were super fucking lame. I’m still not sure what cedus lapidus means, but it’s set in the future and Kirstin Storms says the stupidest shit while wearing a fuck ton of neon, making it a great movie to revisit high.

Frizzy McGuire stars as a free-spirited betch that’s forced to transfer from her incredibly unrealistic liberal middle school to a military academy after her mom remarries. Ren from Evan Stevens is a supporting actress and in 2002 that was pretty much all a young betch could want in life.  The vibes between the two of them are borderline lesbian, in which case we obvs know which is the lipstick.

Quite possibly LiLo’s greatest cinematic role of our time, she plays a 12-year-old rich bitch gossip columnist (LOL). Long story short: Blowhan, Brenda Song and some other nameless actors solve the mystery of a teacher that goes missing while wearing the fugliest clothes ever. Our girl wears a pair of frame-less yellow sunglasses (those ones with the rhinestone heart in the corner that we all regret) the whole movie, this alone makes it worth watching again.

This is undoubtedly the betchiest movie of our formative years, nothing short of a young betch’s bible growing up. It had Katherine Heigl as a shallow popular girl with metallic lipstick, talked about sex, and taught us the importance of small portions. There’s also a scene where the younger sister dances on a cafeteria table in a black leather dominatrix outfit. Disney really does not make them like they used to.